Collected Quotes
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"Glory is fleeting, but
obscurity is forever."
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"You can observe a lot just by
watching."
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"Love : a burnt match skating
in a urinal."
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"Ninety percent of this game is
half mental."
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"Once, during Prohibition, I
was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." |
"Know thyself? If I knew
myself, I'd run away."
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"What contemptible scoundrel
stole the cork from my lunch?
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"Having a family is like having
a bowling alley installed in your brain."
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"If you want a picture of the
future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face
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"History would be a wonderful
thing
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"How wonderful opera would be
if there were no singers."
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"The place where optimism
flourishes most is the lunatic asylum."
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"I want you to know lying does
not come easy to me."
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"Courage is the fear of being
thought a coward."
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"I would have made a good
Pope."
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"Brevity is the soul of
lingerie."
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"Show me a sane man and I will
cure him for you."
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"Man is least himself when he
talks in his own person.
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"Love is a serious mental
disease."
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"Though women are angels, yet
wedlock's the devil."
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"Marriage is a noose."
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"The kiss originated when the
first male reptile licked the first female reptile."
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"Invention is the mother of
necessity."
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"The government of the United
States is not in any sense founded upon the Christian religion."
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"Christianity might be a good
thing if anyone ever tried it."
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"The age of ignorance commenced
with the Christian system."
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"Better sleep with a sober
cannibal than a drunken Christian."
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"Rise up and abandon the
Creeping Meatball!"
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"What the scientists have in
their briefcases is terrifying."
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"What are our schools for if
not indoctrination against Communism?" |
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"Patriotism is a pernicious,
psychopathic form of idiocy."
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"'My country right or wrong' is
like saying, 'My mother drunk or sober'."
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"Banking establishments are
more dangerous than standing armies."
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"I am a citizen, not of Athens
or Greece, but of the world."
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"Fear is the foundation of most
governments."
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"How can you be expected to
govern a country that has 264 kinds of cheese?" |
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"The earth has a skin and that
skin has diseases; one of its diseases is called man."
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"I love mankind; it's people I
can't stand."
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"Life is a God-damned,
stinking, treacherous game and nine-hundred ninety-nine men out of a thousand
are bastards."
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"Life is divided into the
horrible and the miserable."
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"There's something addicting
about a secret."
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"Marriage... a friendship recognized
by the police."
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"My loathings are simple :
stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music."
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"Oh, what a vileness human beauty
is, corroding, corrupting everything it touches!"
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"You can fool too many of the people
too much of the time."
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"Love (n. ): A temporary insanity
often curable by marriage."
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"Every government is run by liars
and nothing they say should be believed."
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"Fork (n. ) : An instrument
used chiefly for putting dead animals into the mouth."
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"It is only the poor who are
forbidden to beg."
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"Chastity : the most unnatural
of the sexual perversions."
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"Military intelligence is a
contradiction in terms."
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"Happiness, (n. ) : An agreeable
sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."
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"A jury consists of twelve
persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."
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"When I was a boy I was told that
anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."
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"Every revolution evaporates
and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy."
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"History is a set of lies
agreed upon."
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"Religion is the masterpiece of
the art of animal training, for it trains people as to how they should think."
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"Favorite color: I hate
colors."
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"Advertising is legalized
lying."
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"The trouble with the rat race is
that even if you win, you're still a rat."
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"Advertising is the rattling of
a stick inside a swill bucket."
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"Self-respect : the secure feeling
that no one, as yet, is suspicious."
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"Society attacks early when the
individual is helpless."
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"Television -- a medium -- |
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"Television : chewing gum for the
eyes."
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"A woman without a man is like a
fish without a bicycle."
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"On one issue, at least, men and
women agree : they both distrust women."
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"Woman was God's second mistake."
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"I hate women because they always
know where things are."
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"What do women want?" |
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"I observe the physician with the
same diligence as the disease."
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"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done
right."
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"Our planet is the mental
institution of the universe."
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"The world is a vast temple
dedicated to Discord."
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"The mass of men lead lives of
quiet desperation."
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"Maybe this world is another
planet's hell."
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"I tremble for my country when I
reflect that God is just."
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"Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool
of bat and tongue of dog."
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"I have always thought of a dog
lover as a dog that was in love with another dog."
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"The dog is the god of frolic."
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"Histories are more full of
examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends."
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"There's nothing so similar to one
poodle dog as another poodle dog, and that goes for women, too."
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"Man is a dog's ideal of what God
should be."
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"Diplomacy is the art of saying
'Nice Doggie' until you can find a rock."
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"Heaven goes by favour. If
it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."
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"Money will buy a pretty good dog,
but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
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"You can't take a
shower in a parakeet cage." |
"Cowardly dogs bark loudest."
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"No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens."
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"A hen is an egg's way of
producing another egg."
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"That's my private ant.
You're liable to break its legs."
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"Pigs and cows and chickens and
people are all competing for grain."
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"They [animals] do not make me
sick discussing their duty to God."
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"Some circumstantial evidence is
very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk."
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"All animals except man know that
the ultimate of life is to enjoy it."
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"By gnawing through a dyke, even a
rat may drown a nation."
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"All the really good ideas I ever
had came to me while I was milking a cow."
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"What! all my pretty chickens and
their dam, at one fell swoop?" |
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"There's a snake hidden in the
grass."
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"Philosophy
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"Our knowledge is a receding
mirage in an expanding desert of ignorance."
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"a pretty girl who naked is, is
worth a million statues."
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"Remorse, the fatal egg by
pleasure laid."
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"Certain signs precede certain
events."
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"Beware all enterprises that
require new clothes."
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"There is much pleasure to be
gained from useless knowledge."
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"If I have seen farther it is by
standing on the shoulders of giants."
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"Men of few words are the best
men."
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"You can tell a lot about a
fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."
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"Nobody ever went broke
underestimating the taste of the American public."
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"Men! The only animal in the world
to fear!" |
"With stupidity the gods
themselves struggle in vain."
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"Thou hast the keys of Paradise,
oh just, subtle, and mighty opium!" |
"In every real man a child is
hidden who wants to play."
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"Sometimes I've believed as many
as six impossible things before breakfast."
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"Many's the long night I've
dreamed of cheese... toasted, mostly."
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"All that we see or seem, Is just
a dream within a dream."
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"There is nothing so absurd but
some philosopher has said it."
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"I'm a Groucho-Marxist."
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"I think I think; therefore I
think I am."
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"Onward, through the fog." |
"I try to think but nothing
happens."
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"There are things that don't deserve
to be said briefly."
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"A hen is only an egg's way of
making another egg."
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"I am not fond of expecting
catastrophes, but there are cracks in the universe."
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"Nature, to be commanded, must be
obeyed."
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"Is ditchwater dull? Naturalists
with microscopes have told me that it teems with quiet fun."
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"Faith is under the left nipple."
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"The Ethiopians Say that their gods
are snub-nosed and black, the Thracians that theirs have light blue eyes and
red hair."
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"It is ridiculous to suppose that
the great head of things, whatever it may be, pays any regard to human
affairs."
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"If God were suddenly condemned to
live the life which he has inflicted on men, He would kill Himself."
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"God, Who winds our sundials."
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"God made everything out of nothing.
But the nothingness shows through."
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"Many a long dispute among divines
may be thus abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so."
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"Man's sensitivity to little things
and insensitivity to the greatest are the signs of a strange disorder."
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"Men will always be mad and those
who think they can cure them are the maddest of all."
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"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted." Aldous Huxley |
"Why shouldn't things be largely
absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go
very well together."
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"The world is disgracefully managed,
one hardly knows to whom to complain."
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"What a fine comedy this world would
be if one did not play a part in it!"
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"Don't despair, not even over the
fact that you don't despair."
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"The animal needing something know
how much it needs, the man does not."
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"In heaven an angel is noone in
particular."
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"To great evils we submit; we resent
little provocations."
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"Power is much more easily
manifested in destroying than in creating."
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"Blessed is he who expects nothing,
for he shall never be disappointed."
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"As yet the hounds are still playing
in the courtyard but their prey will not escape, however fast it may already be
charging through the woods."
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"Whatever else we are intended to
do, we are not intended to succeed: failure is the fate allotted."
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"Everything that is alive forms an
atmospere around itself."
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"I cling to my imperfection, as the
very essence of my being."
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"To love oneself is the beginning of
a lifelong romance."
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"The men who really believe in
themselves are all in lunatic asylums."
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"Self-love seems so often
unrequited."
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"'I have done that', says my memory.
'I cannot have done that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last -
memory yields."
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"Somebody's boring me... I think
it's me."
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"It is one thing to praise
discipline, and another to submit to it."
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"Wherever an inferiority complex
exists, there is a good reason for it."
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"Free
your mind and your ass will follow."
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"You better watch
out! There may be dogs about!" |
"Don't count your
carps before they hatch." |